This week’s inspiration is based on this writeup in The Insider of “7 popular wedding traditions that are actually super creepy.”

The writer, Lindsay Mack, is either a master of deadpan humor or understates everything in life. I hope it’s the former.

3 New Twists for Creepy Wedding Traditions

I am amused when editors are such to slaves to style that they will shoehorn anything into their prescribed format. In this case, they want to lead with three summation bullet points, which leads us to the helpful insight, “Weddings are often filled with fun traditions.”

I’m not going to go through each one of these untoward traditions, but for the ones I do, I will give you a more palatable alternative. Sound good?

Original item: “The origins of the bouquet and garter toss are surprisingly raunchy.”

Mack goes on to describe how these throws used to signify everything coming off the bride to demonstrate that the wedding’s consummation is gonna happen RIGHT NOW, in FRONT OF EVERYBODY.

That used to be a thing, and yes, it is super creepy.

Or, as Mack puts it, The whole event was creepy, to be honest.”

How I love the “to be honest” part. Way to out on a limb, there. Or again, this is deadpan, in which I applaud.

The bride and groom no longer do it in front of everyone, so I’m pleased to report we are no longer “super creepy” in this regard.

Tradition Reimagined: Bring Back The Sixpence!

Whatever your wedding vocation is, you can gift the couple a sixpence. They cost less than $5 on eBay and honor the tradition of bringing the gender inclusive couple “Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a sixpence for your shoe.”

The sixpence can also be tossed (carefully) into the wedding party, if the garter toss it too risqué for your clients.

Original Item: Kidnapping likely served as the origins of honeymoons.

Mack writes, “In a time when marriage by capture (AKA kidnapping) was common, the groom would hide his bride away for several months, until her family gave up the search or she fell pregnant, according to the New York Post. Being taken from your family and stuck in an unknown location was probably a far cry from relaxing on a Hawaiian beach.”

Probably?

To feel the need to state that relaxing on the beach is even DEFINITIVELY better than being a hostage for so long that your family gives up boggles my mind.

Yet gain, the joke could be on me, here, and Mack knows this. Please let it be so.

Tradition Reimagined: Kidnapping Bad! Seclusion Good!

This one is for the honeymoon coordinators and reception venue holders. The more privacy a couple has available to them, the better.

For honeymoons, this means they should feel like they are in Eden and have the whole world to themselves.

For receptions, maybe a private room for the bride and groom to decompress away from it all and share a moment of intimacy before throwing themselves back to the partying lions.

Old Tradition: Bridesmaids Used To Have A Horrifying Job

Mack tells of how bridesmaids used to dress very similarly to the brides, to confuse and ward off evil spirits looking to curse the bride.

Weird, maybe, but how is that HORRIFYING?

Tradition Reimagined: Make The Bridesmaids Feed The Bride

Caterers! This one’s for you.

Back in the day, according to Mental Floss (see item #10), the bridesmaids used to feed the bride “a concoction of plum buns in spiced ale to ‘restore the energies.’”

As I’m sure we all have a plum buns and spiced ale recipe at the ready, what are you waiting for? The bride needs to restore the energies!

How will you live with yourself if the bride’s energies aren’t restored and you could’ve done something about it?

To close out on a less cheeky note, always check with your clients, of course, before pulling the trigger on these reimagined traditions.

Except for the sixpence one. That’s just badass.

Which wedding traditions have you reimagined?
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Kevin Beane

Kevin Beane is from Akron, Ohio. He loves sports (check out his BBC-recognized column here), poker, and sleep, but above all comedy (particularly the sketch and improv varietals) which he performs around the Dallas area.

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